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The following is a scene from my spec script, "ARNIE" which is based... loosely on my father. In the below scene, Arnie and his older brother, Carmine, are coffin shopping for their recently departed stepfather, Tony. Enjoy!

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INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY: (CARMINE, ARNIE, MR. GRAY)

CARMINE

Thanks for helping me with this.

ARNIE

Well, it’s the least I could do.

CARMINE

No kidding. You really didn’t like Joe, did you?

ARNIE

Nope.

CARMINE

I know he wasn’t the easiest man. I remember when Margie and I invited him to Thomas’s eighteenth birthday party and he stayed for an entire week. A whole week of him pocketing leftovers, screwing up words and he’d stay in the bathroom for hours just humming.

ARNIE

Remember the time he told us he had a deviated spectrum? I thought he had a light up his nose. So really... why are you doing this?

CARMINE

What, the wake and all?

ARNIE

Yeah.

CARMINE

It’s the right thing to do. I mean he wasn’t a great man... or a smart man... or a nice man... or... (pause) It’s just the right thing to do.

ARNIE

You’re good people Carmine.

CARMINE

So you’re going to come then?

ARNIE

Nope.

MR. GRAY ENTERS.

MR. GRAY

Good afternoon, I’m Charles Gray the Funeral Director. Are you Carmine?

CARMINE

Yes, and this is my younger brother Arnold.

MR. GRAY

Nice to meet you both. I understand that everything is set except for the coffin, right?

CARMINE

Exactly.

MR. GRAY

Terrific. Let me show you what we have. (takes out catalog) There is the Arlington Model. It’s a classic metal coffin that has been brushed with silver. The lining is pearl white with a special veteran and has full handlebars.

ARNIE

Handlebars? He’s going to be buried in it - not run a paper route. How much is it?

MR. GRAY

Two thousand and thirty dollars.

ARNIE

Ok... Mr. Gray... our bereavement is quite budgeted here. Do you have anything cheaper?

MR. GRAY

Well, how much of a budget are you working with exactly?

ARNIE

Does a can of pennies come to mind?

BEAT.

MR. GRAY

How about the Yorker Model? It’s antique silver, the interior is chemically protected against rust and it has an adjustable bed.

ARNIE

An adjustable bed? Will we need to adjust it more than once? I mean after he goes in the ground, I don’t really see how it’s possible to re-adjust. How much is that one?

MR. GRAY

That model is one thousand one hundred and forty-five dollars.

ARNIE

Listen, I want a very simple plain model. No fancy materials, no cherry wood, and no silver steel. Think cardboard Mr. Gray.

CARMINE

You have to forgive my brother but he and Joe didn’t really get along.

MR. GRAY

I can’t imagine why. (giving Arnie a dirty look)

CARMINE

I think what we’re trying to say is we just need something that is reasonable, sanitary and presentable.

MR. GRAY

Sanitary and presentable? Well sir, I would say a zip lock bag but I don’t think we have one in your stepfather’s size.

CARMINE

Do you have a wood casket maybe?

MR. GRAY

There’s the Philips Model.

CARMINE

What’s that?

MR. GRAY

An unfinished wood box.

ARNIE

How much?

MR. GRAY

Eight hundred and fifty dollars.

ARNIE AND CARMINE

We’ll take it.

MR. GRAY

Of course you realize there is no mattress inside.

ARNIE

That’s fine... he had a bad back anyway.

END OF SCENE.